The other area that is not acknowledged during deconstruction is deep anger. Often people seem very unaware of what a deeply emotional experience this stage of faith is. Doubt and deconstruction create a sense and experience of bereavement. Whatever drove the individual into deconstruction leaves them bereaved of their simplistic faith and understandings of God. That Jesus is not simply your best friend, and that prayer does not prevent suffering, creates at first distress, fear and many tears, followed by anger and deep raging, and then sadness or feeling down before any kind of move towards resolution and reconstruction is possible. This is clearly the cycle of bereavement. When you are in the middle of it, reconstruction feels impossible.

Reconstruction
As I suggested in the first diagram above, reconstruction is about refinding a faith that you can believe in. Not simplistic, but plausible and believable - born out of a real relationship with God in the here and now. This is what I have called an emerging faith. It is a reframed passion for God, living in a grey world where though nothing is black and white, we can still exist and act with a degree of certainty. It is about head and heart and not rejection of the heart, it is about refound awe and mystery. It is not a retreat to primitive understandings. Importantly it includes some form of spiritual intimacy with God.

Questing does not stop, it continues, but it may do so in community or utilising a spiritual director. Life is never easy, but in this stage it becomes more centred. Faith then becomes rich, embodied, with more feminist understandings of the world we live in and community. There is a vision for nurture and experiment of creativity and permission-giving.

The importance of Prayer through out this emerging faith journey
Many of us have fixed ideas of what prayer should be. I never quite know where these ideas come from, but they are almost always accompanied by feelings of guilt. For some reason we have reduced prayer to something quite ‘twee’ and unresourcing. We need to throw out many misconceptions.

Prayer is anything that is about encounter with God. It is not just speaking audibly or conversing with God in your head. It can be silence, it can be shouting at God, it can be listening to music, it can be writing things and giving them to God, it can be about expressing your frustrations, it can be a conversation with friends, it can be forms of meditation and contemplation. Whatever form it takes, prayer is basically that which relates to the relationship between God and you. What is important is that it is personal. When you are really hurting, prayer can be a means of expression, even when God feels dead or absent. There is something called the ‘I Thou’ relationship, that says whether we know it or not, we get something of our identity and being from relationship to and with God even if that relationship currently involves us running away. Why do I believe this? Because I do not think we are ever really independent or abandoned. The fact that this may or may not be acknowledged or realised by us makes no difference.

Too often, our experience of prayer is about sending up a heavenly shopping list. When the expected reply does not come, we are disappointed. There are real dangers of projecting our consumer selves into prayer – which is about God delivering our every need. I do think prayer is answered but almost never in ways we were expecting or anticipating. Often prayer leads to more painful decisions or choices. We were never promised a happy life, or that we would not suffer. Jesus promised only that we would not be overcome – why? Because whether we like it or not, pain and suffering are part of what it means to be human, by our own creation and brokenness. The Bible and indeed church history is full of examples of pain, lamentation, and the way of the cross for those who choose to be Christian.

It is through our of experience of God, and (I would argue) more mystical forms of prayer, that we can grow in encounter with God, and live with all the inconsistencies that life throws up for us.

Prayer & Theology
Given this new (or should I say old?) understanding of prayer, it is possible to re-engage in developing a spiritual way of life, resourced by encounter with the divine. As your experience grows, it will become easier to articulate what this form of faith feels like. Much has been written that may become a resource, written by others that can further you on your re-questing of faith.
For example:
The mystics & prayer
Henri Nouwen
Mike Riddell

Key Resources to help you through
There are a number of key texts that I know have helped me and other people on their spiritual journey from deconstruction to reconstruction, I list some of them

Exploring Deconstruction
The Post Evangelical - Dave Tomlinson
After Religion: Generation X & the search for meaning - Gordon Lynch
The Spiritual Journey - Mike Riddell
A Churchless Faith - Alan Jamieson

Seeing what faith can look like constructively
Threshold to the Future - Mike Riddell
The Emerging Church - Ryan Bolger
Deep Stuff - Mike Riddell
A Generous Orthodoxy - Brian McLaren
The Complex Christ - Kester Brewin

Daily Devotionals & Prayer
resources when going through deconstruction to reconstruction
Listen to your life - Frederick Buechner
Northumbria Community Daily Prayer - Northumbria_Community

General Internet resources for thinking
Vaux Grey Space
Moot website foundations & grey space, blogsite
Grace
Blog sites galore – see emergingchurch.info blogs

Ian Mobsby 2006